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In order to continue to grow in our marriage and deepen our love for our spouse, it is vital that we seek to value and appreciate our differences and to constantly seek to better understand them. Here are some great tips from Dr. Gary J. Oliver and Dr. Greg Smalley in regards to how we can do this well.
Dr. Oliver says, “The first step to making your differences work for you is to become a student of your partner… Cultivating intimacy through understanding differences requires a concerted effort to first understand how your spouse approaches and lives in their world and then to join them there and finally to embrace who they are.” What would it look like for you to do this today? How can you enter into their world, better understand who they are and fully embrace your spouse?
Dr. Smalley says, “In order to have a strong marriage relationship, it’s critical to learn everything you can about your mate. Your attitude about your spouse should be, ‘I will spend the rest of my life learning about you. I will work so hard at deepening my knowledge of you that I will have earned a Ph.D. in you.’” So, how can we do this? Here are some things for you to try:
Seek to understand, encourage, and assist your spouse by caring deeply about his/her relational wants and desires.
1. Decide that her relational wants matter (they have value)
2. Identify (listen) and validate (understand) relational wants by replacing judgment with caring and curiosity (earning a Ph.D. in your spouse).
3. Give to them by attending to his/her relational wants and desires.
Another great exercise for you both to do is to finish the following statement. First, come up with your answers individually and then share them with each other. “I feel loved when you…”
Take some time to do this today and this week. And, let us know how this has been helpful for you and tell us of other things you have found that deepen the intimacy in your relationship by “being a student of your spouse.”
