Almost every couple has one: that seemingly trivial fight that appears day after day, month after month, year after year, making you feel stuck in your own twisted version of Groundhog Day. Perhaps you bicker about why his cereal bowl gets left by the sink instead of the dishwasher, or why you forgot to tell him about tonight’s dinner guests who are on their way over. Round and round you go, adding new layers to the argument, each trying to win and prove the point “I’m right!” or “Do it my way!”

Do you ever feel like adversaries or that you’re stuck in one of these power struggles with your spouse? Although we try to find “win/win” solutions to our disagreements, this can feel impossible to achieve at times. Too many of us end up settling for what we see as a win/lose option. It may not be the best and we’d really rather avoid it; but at least it’s not the worst, either. In other words, we “compromise.”

WE’RE ON THE SAME TEAM!

When we opt for the win/lose approach, however, we don’t really get one winner and one loser. In fact, we wind up with two losers. We get, not a win/lose, but a lose/lose. There is no such thing as a win/lose in a marriage. It’s either a win/win or a lose/lose. Everybody wins or everybody loses, period. There is no other option.

Many couples set themselves up for failure because they face off as adversaries when dealing with common problems or when trying to make a decision about something. Why is this so? It’s true because people in a marriage are on the same team. If one person in the marriage “loses,” then both people in the marriage lose.

We encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things by establishing a “teammates” mentality. This attitude says that it’s unacceptable for either person to walk away from an interaction feeling as if they just lost. Instead, as teammates, redefine winning in your marriage as finding solutions that both people feel great about. A winning solution goes beyond a plan of attack that seems merely acceptable or tolerable to you both. That’s compromise, and compromises rarely make anyone feel good. On the other hand, a win/win solution makes both people feel valued and instantly restores unity and connection.

For ideas on a great date night and to find ways to create a win/win in your marriage, go to www.nwamarriageadventures.com