Here we are, two weeks into the new year of 2011 - how are all of the New Year’s Resolutions coming along?? If you’re like most of us, they may already be starting to fizzle out. Don’t worry, though, because here at NWA Healthy Marriages, we have a better idea that could help you with your resolution.

Instead of establishing a vague goal, like “getting into better shape,” “working less,” “improving my lifestyle,” or “spending more time with friends,” try to get extremely specific about it. You have to admit, committing to doing 100 pushups per day is a much more visible goal than simply “working out more.” Having a concrete, specific resolution will help you stay focused, and will allow you to analyze how well you’re doing. So if you have made a resolution already, go back and think about how you could make it more specific.

If you haven’t made a resolution yet, or if you want to make another resolution that will count this year, why not commit to prioritizing your marriage? Make 2011 the year that your marriage is your number one priority. How would that look in your own marriage? Maybe it would be to have 2 dates per week. Maybe it would be to spend 30 minutes every night talking without anything else going on. Whatever it is, get specific about it. When people look at how you live, they can see what your priorities are; make 2011 the year they see your marriage as your highest priority.

In order to help in this new commitment, it could be a good idea to commit to coming to our Love & Laughter event in February. That would give you 4 weeks to truly test out how to make your marriage your highest priority. The event would be a great measuring stick, and also, would give you many more ideas on how to prioritize your marriage. What better way to show your spouse that he or she is your highest priority than by committing to an event to help build it? Click here to learn more about our special Valentine’s event with Gary Smalley.

WeGive

Give to others and to your marriage!

Everybody can be great because everybody can serve.”
—Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Holiday season is right around the corner and our children are already handing us their list of Christmas Wishes. As adults, our wish lists may not be the first thought to come to mind for the Holiday Season. However, I can guess a few things that do come to mind—stress, finances, time constraints, finding the perfect gift for a loved one, work parties, weight gain and holiday bonuses. However, you might be surprised that there is one gift that involves giving instead of getting; isn’t wrapped up with a pretty bow under the tree, and can bring great satisfaction both to an individual, a marriage or a family.
This year we want to encourage couples in a different direction during the Christmas Season—instead of focusing on all of the typical stressors—we want couples to do something maybe “a little out of the box”—serve together or volunteer together.

You may be thinking, “Great, one more thing to add to the ‘to do list’ when mine is already a mile long.” However, you might be surprised by the gift you and your spouse will get through the gift of giving.
Perhaps the first and biggest benefit people get from volunteering is the satisfaction of incorporating service into their lives and making a difference in their community and country. This brings a sense of pride, satisfaction and accomplishment. In addition to this, we share our time and talents as well as:
• Solve problems
• Strengthen communities
• Improve lives
• Connect to others
• Transform our own lives
• Receive numerous health benefits

The great news is this: You will not only be helping others in need—but you will also be helping your marital relationship thrive and grow. Think about the above list of benefits—what marriage can’t use a strong dose of problem solving skills, connection, a sense of pride, satisfaction and accomplishment as a couple? Wow! Instead of an IPAD or an I-Phone, or a new piece of jewelry, this could be the hottest item on the “wish list” this year!

“We Give” to others and to our marriage!

In the midst of giving, it may seem selfish to focus on what we get in return, however, the benefits can’t be ignored. People have many different reasons for giving to others—but how about improving your marital relationship? Did you know that “altruism” actually lights up the same reward center in your brain as the one turned on by eating great food? Psychologists report that the good feelings from altruism may last longer and there are no calories in giving! So, not only will “We Give” help with holding off the typical holiday weight gain—it will leave you as a couple feeling good as well! You won’t just feel good—but look good too!

So, how do you get the plan down for giving this season instead of getting?
Here are three simple suggestions:

1. Commit to Give this Holiday Season!
As a couple, sit down and discuss the possibility of doing something different this year. Becoming aware of the benefits may be a motivator to do good things, but ultimately someone else will appreciate the gift of your time and efforts.

If you are feeling like your spouse isn’t as excited about this idea as you are—reassure him or her that you will find something to do that you both feel great about. Assure them that you care about how they feel about this idea and that you are willing to listen. Then, have them sign on the dotted line!  In reality, it may take some discussion; however, decide as a team that this is something that will benefit your marriage and your waistline this Holiday Season! Research also shows that serving is beneficial to children, so you may want to include your kiddos in this plan as well.

2. Mark it on Your Calendar!
Although this may seem like a “no brainer”, we encourage you to check out what service opportunities are in NWA. As a couple, you can even brainstorm your own ideas around possible ways of giving to your neighbors, church or community. We have provided several opportunities that you can select from as well. Although it seems very simplistic, this is where we often get stuck. We have a great idea, and then follow through becomes challenging.

After discussing what you would both like to do, make contact with whomever you are going to serve and then get it on the calendar. You can even make it a fun by sending a formal invitation or evite to your spouse to serve with you on this particular day.
Whatever you do, get this on the calendar, as we all know, during this busy season, nights and days begin to fill up rapidly. Mark it down and get excited about this opportunity!

3. Make sure to reflect on the experiences!
To get the full benefit, we want to encourage you to spend time after your service project discussing your experience. You can do this through using the date night questions or by taking turns listening to each other and employing the power of curiosity. What did you feel when you were serving? What were you thinking about? Have you ever done anything like this previously? How do you see that this benefited our marriage?

Take the time to embrace the good feelings that you will have from giving to others! Reflecting on this will encourage your marital relationship and give you a feeling of success as a couple.

And, make sure and check out our Date Night for the month, WeGive!

As Thanksgiving fast approaches us, (I can almost smell the turkey right now!), it can be easy to lose focus on the things that we’re thankful for. Once the turkey comes out of the oven, most of us will concentrate on satisfying our hunger. So before we get to that point, let’s all take some time to savor the taste of what we’re thankful for. Being that we celebrate marriage here at NWA Healthy Marriages, our distinct flavor will be on you and your spouse. Take some time to be thankful and appreciate your spouse. Let them know how thankful you are!

Things To Appreciate About Your Spouse

1. You have someone to share your life with.
2. You have someone to balance you out.
3. Two are better than one; together you’re stronger than you are apart.
4. Your spouse’s quirks and idiosyncrasies make you a better person by stretching you.
5. You have someone to laugh with.
6. You have someone to hold you when life gets you down.
7. You have someone to come home to.
8. You have someone to challenge you.
9. You have someone to hold you accountable.
10. You have someone to cuddle with.

Here are some tips for helping your spouse feel truly appreciated.

1. Be specific. All you have to do is notice the positive things your spouse does, and say that you appreciate it out loud. Be specific. For example, you could say something like, “I appreciate you.” That’s nice, but it could be much more meaningful. Instead, try something like, “You take such good care of our baby. He/she is clean, fed and healthy. I appreciate the effort you make to take good care of our child.” Or try something as simple as “I know some days it’s hard to get up and go to work. I appreciate that you support our family by working.” If you are aware of the role your love plays in your everyday life as a couple, it won’t take long before you find lots of things to appreciate about him or her. The only way appreciation can fail is if you are not honest and genuine about what saying what you appreciate about your partner. As long as you are specific about telling your partner what you appreciate about him or her, you shouldn’t have a problem in this area. Try it! You’ll like it! And, another great thing about showing appreciation is that frequently, the appreciation is returned!

2. Do the little things. Regularly do things that build love and friendship, such as spending time together, giving gifts, serving one another, offering encouragement, and being affectionate. All of these seemingly simple and small things really do show our spouse that we appreciate them. Some spouses leave notes in a briefcase or purse. One spouse wrote, “Thanks for listening to me gripe last night-it made all the difference in my outlook today.” So, don’t get caught up in thinking that the only way to show appreciation is the big gift, the big event or the big speech. Although these are nice and definitely a part of this whole thing, it is often the little things that encourage us and show the heart behind our words and deeds. Really, appreciation is a simple as saying thank you to your beloved for being around and caring about you. You can appreciate how your loved one looks. You can appreciate what your loved one does. You can appreciate when he or she tries to do something, even if they don’t quite do it right. The point of appreciating your mate is that you are more aware of him or her, and get to know them more intimately. You’ll understand who they are and what they are thinking, and build a healthy romantic relationship at the same time. And, getting to know your beloved well is one of the most interesting and fulfilling parts of your marriage.

3. Check your filter. Not your oil or air filter, but the way you view your spouse. If we have a negative filter, we are going to interpret everything they do negatively, even if what they say or do isn’t negative at all. This is an uphill and losing battle for our spouse because there is nothing they can do to change your filter. You choose whether or not to have a positive or negative filter. It is amazing how appreciative and thankful we are for our spouse when we look at them with a positive filter!

As we all know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. During this time of year, we are often reminded to step back and take a look at our lives and recognize the things we have to be thankful for. Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” a little boy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.” Isn’t that the truth!

Speaking of a turkey, isn’t that usually the centerpiece to our Thanksgiving memories and traditions? For many people, when we think Thanksgiving, we think of the family gathered around a table stacked with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and those delicious pies. (All of this followed by a nap on the couch watching football!) If you are like a lot of families, before you begin to eat the meal that took hours and even days to prepare, there is the tradition to go around the table and have everyone share at least one thing they are thankful. Typical answers are… family, health, and other basic provisions. These are all great things, but they are also pretty vague and pretty general. Wouldn’t it be even better to be specific about the things we are thankful for? Why are we thankful for these things and what specifically do we appreciate? As you think about the many things in your life that you appreciate and are thankful for, we hope your spouse is high up on your list. And, not just saying, “I am thankful for my husband, or I am thankful for my wife,” but what exactly are you thankful for?

The impact of hearing our spouse tell us exactly why they appreciate and are thankful for us is incredible. There is a typical expectation that at some point our spouse is supposed to tell us the general, “I am thankful for you,” but to connect around a unique aspect of who we are as a person or a special thing we did, goes much deeper.

So, as we approach Thanksgiving, give some time and thought to why you appreciate your spouse, and then…go tell them!!!

We all have “marriage” treasure, but time often buries it out of our conscious awareness. Thus, we need to go on treasure hunts from time to time and remember the valuable parts of each other and our marriage. Here are three ways to treasure hunt your marriage.

1. Affirm what you value about your spouse. What makes your spouse so valuable? What do you appreciate or enjoy about your spouse? What is it about his or her differences, character qualities, personality traits, values, spirituality, etc., that make your spouse valuable? These types of questions get to the heart of your mate’s value. The reality is that every person is valuable in many ways, but do you see them clearly? Make a list of why you value your husband or wife. Think about their good points. Remember what drew you to him or her in the first place. Realize that many of those things are still present. You just might be focusing on other things.

2. Reminisce about memorable things that have happened over the course of your marriage. Each one of us has our own amazing love story—events and memories of two people joined together as one. How often do you reminisce about your life together? Has it been a while since you shared your love story? If so, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to reminisce about your special moments. There is amazing power in talking about special locations, watching videos, looking at old pictures from your wedding and life together or listening to your special songs.

3. Discover what benefits the difficult times produced. Many people try to forget the difficult times in their lives. For instance, they might not want to remember an illness they suffered or a huge disagreement they had with their spouse. It feels painful, and people think it’s best to push it aside. Actually, it can be a source of strength and give you a feeling of triumph to know that you successfully overcame a difficult challenge.

The prospect of buried treasure is something that makes everyone’s eyes light up and their minds start working overtime. We all remember the stories of Treasure Island, Captain Kidd, Ponce de Leon and Indiana Jones. The attraction of finding millions of dollars in buried jewelry or gold is pretty easy to understand. This actually came true for a 55 year old man who discovered the largest gold stash in modern history. He used a metal detector and found the treasure on a farm in England. The treasure contained 1,500 gold and silver pieces from the 7th century and is worth millions.

Do you realize that you already possess one of the world’s greatest treasures? Your marriage! This is why King Solomon wrote, “A man’s greatest treasure is his wife” back in the 5th century BC. But it is so easy to lose sight of this truth. For many couples, they get so caught up in managing the household, careers, children, answering e-mails, making meetings, handling the finances, and scheduling appointments that their spouse gets lost—buried under life’s obligations. For other couples, they stop noticing their spouse and end up feeling more like roommates than lovers. They still get along fine, but the sizzle has disappeared from their relationship and they’re just sharing space together. Some couples fall into relational auto-pilot and start to take each other for granted. While for others, conflict and arguments seem to dominate their marriage. At their lowest point, they feel disconnected and negative beliefs run rampant, to the point that they’re not even friends anymore.

Whatever the state of your relationship, it’s never too late to rediscover what an amazing treasure your marriage really is.

WeRelax

Feeling overscheduled and underconnected? In the midst of busy careers, household responsibilities, children’s activities, and all the things we fill our lives with, keeping a close emotional connection with your spouse can take a back seat to other matters that seem more pressing at the time. And, our overextended lives often leave us with little time for real intimacy, and the less quality time we spend together, the greater the chances our relationship will suffer. Lack of intimacy fosters misunderstandings, disagreements and tensions that often lead to disconnection.

We are a busy people serving leftovers in our marriages. Exhausted couples have nothing to share with each other at the end of the day (when most of us get our first real alone time with our spouses). By that time, hearts are depleted and energy is zapped. We try to hold out for a date night or a weekend, but even then we often have little to give to the person who means the most to us. In conflict situations, exhausted people do even more damage. Being tired turns what might other times just be minor annoyances into full-blown battles. Empty, exhausted people rarely come up with loving things to say in these tense interchanges.

On the other hand, there are couples who slow down, create margin and relax. Spare time, leisure time, down time…these are the places that open hearts, deep connections, and successful marriages thrive. Conflict is rare and quickly resolved if encountered. Demands and expectations of others are minimal. Fun and laughter come easy. Marriage in this scenario is amazing.

As individuals, we all need to make time to slow down and recharge. As couples we need to do the same. How do you slow down, relax and recharge as a couple? Below are some tips to help you relax and reconnect. For more tips and info on this month’s NWA Marriage Adventure, click HERE

1. Prioritize. C.S. Lewis said, “The home is the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose, and that is to support the ultimate career.” Plan your work schedule around family life and not the other way around.

2. Constantly Communicate. The busier you are, the greater your need to communicate with your spouse. It can be easy for things to go unsaid and upcoming appointments and events not to be discussed. This will create conflict and tension in your marriage.

3. Create Margin in Your Life. Slow down the pace of life. Intentionally change your pace and create margin–the space between workload and your limits. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life!

4. Take Advantage of 4 Key Relational Moments Every Day. When you first wake up, how do you greet your spouse? This will set the tone for the day. How do you leave your spouse in the morning? That is the feeling you will hold all day long. When you arrive back home, how do you greet your spouse? This sets the tone for the evening. And how do you say goodnight to your spouse right before you go to bed? This is the feeling you will hold all night long.

5. Have a Regular Date Night. Try to have a date night at least once a month. Date night doesn’t have to mean paying a babysitter to go out to an expensive restaurant. Just you and your spouse connecting and having fun together! For great ideas about this month’s date night, consider going on our NWA Marriage Adventure!

With this new and very hot month of August, comes our next NWA Marriage Adventure, WeListen. This month we encourage you to really focus on what it means not just hear each other, but to truly listen to one another. Below is some helpful information of why it’s important to listen to each other and some tips for doing this well. And, don’t forget to check out all of the info for this month’s NWA Marriage Adventure.

In order to have a happy, successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication. And, the secret of good communication is not talking but listening.

Listening is the art of connecting with your spouse so you fully understand what they are saying and feeling. Listening is choosing to make your primary goal understanding rather than being understood.

Think back to when you first started dating. Remember how much you talked. It felt wonderful to have someone listen to you–to pay attention to what you were saying. This was one of the reasons why you fell in love. If listening and being heard with a caring and loving heart made you fall in love, doesn’t it make sense that listening would also help you sustain a loving marriage over time?

THE FIRST DUTY OF LOVE IS TO LISTEN!

One of the greatest gifts one spouse can give to the other is the gift of listening. But, far too many couples only hear one another. Few actually listen. So, how good a listener are you? Here are some listening tips:

 Be silent!
 Be present—give great eye contact
 Resist external distractions
 Be patient and don’t interrupt
 Don’t judge—be curious
 Focus on their feelings and emotions
 Ask questions to clarify
 Repeat back what your spouse is saying
 Validate what is being said
 Empathize—feel what they are feeling
 Manage your emotions so you don’t react

Don’t leave your spouse starving to be heard by you. If your spouse can’t talk to you, they may be tempted to talk to someone else who will listen. We encourage you to make a conscious effort to listen with your head and your compassionate heart. Plan a special NWA Marriage Adventures date night to have the kind of conversation you once did when you were dating. And, don’t be surprised if you find a new “spark” in your marriage.

According to this article that ran in Newsweek, the answer is yes. Important to note, though, is that there is significant research to the contrary. We haven’t really seen any indication that there is less interest in marriage, just that people feel less confident that they can do it successfully, so they often settle for living together. Studies show that the benefits of marriage do not transfer to cohabitating couples.

What do you think? Is marriage really an outdated institution that is a thing of the past? Or, with the soaring divorce rates and increase in cohabitation, are people just afraid of failure?

We would love to hear what you think!