Date Night: BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER

BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER

  1. Stop talking! You cannot listen when you are talking. You will only be thinking about what you are going to say next instead of paying attention to what the other person is trying to say. Consciously focus your attention on the speaker. Never forget that when you rearrange the letters of the word “listen” it spells “silent”!
  2. Put the speaker at ease. Relax, smile, look at the speaker and help that person feel free to talk. Look and act interested. Remove distractions: turn off the TV, close the door, stop what you are doing, and pay attention.
  3. Be present and resist distractions. The distractions may be in the environment, such as noise in the home, or they may be in your mind, such as preoccupation with some problem or concern. In either case, you must put aside the distractions for a while and focus on what your spouse is saying.
  4. Be patient. Don't interrupt the speaker. This is disrespectful and suggests you want to talk instead of listen. Allow plenty of time for the speaker to convey ideas and meaning. Be courteous and give the speaker adequate time to present the full message.
  5. Pay attention to the nonverbal language of physical gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body posture. Researchers say that 55 percent of the message meaning is nonverbal, 38 percent is indicated by tone of voice, and only 7 percent is conveyed by the words used in a spoken message. Few people know how to listen to the eyes; what a tapping foot means; a furrowed brow; clenched fist; the biting of nails. These often reveal the key feelings behind the words.
  6. Listen for what is not said. Ask questions to clarify the meaning of words and the feelings involved, or ask the speaker to enlarge on the statement. People often find it difficult to speak up about matters or experiences that are very important or highly emotional for them. Listen for how the speaker presents the message.
  7. Ask questions. In effective listening, questions are used not to cast suspicion on motives (“Are you saying that just to annoy me?”) but to get clarification (“Are you saying then that you are really hurt because I was late?”).
  8. Summarize what the other person is saying. A good listener does not assume they understand the other person. Repeat back what the other person has said so you understand the meaning and content of the message before you reply to it. Rephrasing is done to clarify, to check for accuracy, to check for feelings, or simply to show interest and understanding
  9. Concentrate on "hidden" emotional meanings. What are the real feelings behind the words? What is the tone of voice saying? What does the emphasis on certain words mean?
  10. Validate what is being said, without judging what your spouse is saying or how they are saying it. If you don’t like your spouse’s tone of voice or the words used and you react on the spot, you may miss the meaning. Validation doesn’t mean that you agree with the content of what your spouse says. It means that you acknowledge and understand that what your spouse is saying is something he or she is feeling.
  11. Empathize with the speaker. Try to "walk in the other's shoes" so you can feel what that person is feeling and understand the point of view the speaker is trying to convey.
  12. Manage your emotions and your tendency to respond before your spouse is finished. We all have certain “hot buttons,” words or ideas that create an emotional reaction in us. When those buttons are pushed, we are likely to stop listening and start formulating a reply. The key is to resist that tendency and hear your spouse out completely.