Date Night: weRelax

Overcommitment and exhaustion are the most insidious and pervasive marriage killers you will ever encounter as a couple. ~ James Dobson

Feeling overscheduled and underconnected? In the midst of busy careers, household responsibilities, children’s activities, and all the things we fill our lives with, keeping a close emotional connection with your spouse can take a back seat to other matters that seem more pressing at the time. And, our overextended lives often leave us with little time for real intimacy, and the less quality time we spend together, the greater the chances our relationship will suffer. Lack of intimacy fosters misunderstandings, disagreements and tensions that often lead to disconnection.

But, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be! Futurists (cool name for self-proclaimed people who study the future) in the early and mid-1900’s were predicting that the speed of our progress and advancements would have enormous consequences. The major concern was that we would have so much leisure time we would not know what to do with ourselves. Testimony before a 1967 Senate subcommittee claimed that by 1985 people could be working just 22 hours a week or 27 weeks a year.

Wouldn’t that be a wonderful schedule? And yet, this wasn’t the case in 1985, and it’s certainly not true today!

The pace and demands of life are so fast and overwhelming that we often end up hurried, frazzled, and empty. As we travel through life at a break-neck speed, we often lose touch with each other and our marriage suffers. We just don’t have enough time for each other. And, if we somehow carve out some time, we don’t have any energy. We are run ragged, worn out, and exhausted.

Our busy lives leave no room for margin. The pace is too frantic. Every new invention is designed to speed life up…this will make you cook faster, this will help you work faster, this will make your car go faster…everything makes your life go faster. But faster is not always better. Carl Jung, one of the earliest psychologists, said in the early 1900’s, “Hurry is not of the devil, hurry is the devil.”

There is a high cost for the fast pace we are living. Hectic schedules lead to hurried interactions which lead to exhausted people who are empty. Empty people have nothing to share. With nothing to share, relationships flounder. In their book Time Starved Marriage, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot say:

“Busy people rarely give their best to the ones they love. They serve leftovers – the emotions and energy that remain after one’s primary attention has already been given to others. Too drained, too tired, or too preoccupied, they fail to give their loved ones the attention they deserve. And a marriage cannot survive on leftovers forever.”

The moments you miss together are irreplaceable, gone forever.

We are a busy people serving leftovers in our marriages. Exhausted couples have nothing to share with each other at the end of the day (when most of us get our first real alone time with our spouses). By that time, hearts are depleted and energy is zapped. We try to hold out for a date night or a weekend, but even then we often have little to give to the person who means the most to us. In conflict situations, exhausted people do even more damage. Being tired turns what might other times just be minor annoyances into full-blown battles. Empty, exhausted people rarely come up with loving things to say in these tense interchanges.

On the other hand, there are couples who slow down, create margin and relax. Spare time, leisure time, down time…these are the places that open hearts, deep connections, and successful marriages thrive. Conflict is rare and quickly resolved if encountered. Demands and expectations of others are minimal. Fun and laughter come easy. Marriage in this scenario is amazing.

As individuals, we all need to make time to slow down and recharge. As couples we need to do the same. How do you slow down, relax and recharge as a couple?

HOW TO STAY CONNECTED AT THE SPEED OF LIFE

Before Your Adventure