Common Objections Answered
Some people who have never seen a "Win/Win" solution at work hesitate to implement it in their marriage. They usually have two objections.
Objection #1: It will take too much time.
“I don’t have the time to go through all of these steps,” some say. “With all the disagreements we have, it would take forever!”
But do you know what we’ve discovered? A “Win/Win” solution actually saves huge chunks of time, especially once it becomes habit. Here’s why.
When you feel as if you have to defend your territory, you tend to dig in your heels for a protracted and tiring tug-of-war. The battle continues until one or the other person just wears out—and that can take a long, long time.
When you implement a “Win/Win” solution, however, you stop having to worry about protecting your agenda. You no longer feel anxious that your feelings won’t be considered. And when those issues go away, the substance of your disagreements usually turns out to be pretty small. Since you now have very little to fuss about, you move through the process quickly. It’s very efficient and doesn’t take much time at all.
Objection #2: What if we cannot come to an agreement and somebody has to make a decision?
You know what? It hardly ever happens. Remember, the problem is rarely the problem. If you follow through on the six steps, you’ll hardly ever arrive at the difficult situation described above.
But what if you do? Let us tell you something else we’ve discovered. Most “urgent” decisions—things that drive us to hurry up, that tell us that we’re almost out of time, that insist we’re about to miss the opportunity of a lifetime—almost always end up being less than urgent. The opportunity either was not as good as it looked, or another, even better, opportunity had not yet presented itself. We often realize that if we had moved on the first decision, we would have missed out on the second.
In general, we prefer to hold off on such decisions until we can arrive at a place of unity. But if the decision really does need to be made, we try to determine who appears to be the most qualified to make it—based on experience or training or something else—and let that person decide. Too often guys say things like, “Listen, I’m the man, so therefore you need to submit (the dreaded “s” word)!” But remember, the only other possibility is for your team to lose. Don’t make the issue about submitting; make it about finding a win/win. That is honor. That makes the marriage feel safe.
If you are the one that feels compelled or most qualified to make the decision, then do it with great caution. Say to your spouse, “I feel led to make this decision, but I have to tell you that because you and I are not together on this, I’m open to the possibility that I might be wrong. Therefore, I will make the decision, but I want you to know that I will also take the heat if I’m wrong. And I will be the one to answer for it. You’re off the hook.”
Again, in a marriage, there is no such thing as a win/lose solution. Because you are on the same team, there is either win/win or lose/lose. No other options exist. Make sure you use the 6 steps to help your marriage team win!
