Steps to a "Win/Win" Solution
Step 1: EXPRESS that since you are on the same team that the only acceptable solution is something that you BOTH feel good about.
Remember you’re on the same team. This is huge! Just keeping this in mind can change the way you treat one another as you communicate and negotiate. A “Win/Win” solution says that it is not acceptable for one of you to walk away feeling like you’ve lost. You could say, “I need you to know that I will not feel okay with any solution that you do not also feel good about.” All either one of you has to say is, “I don’t feel good about this decision,” or, “I feel as if I’m losing here,” and that’s it. You back up and start over. It simply is unacceptable for either of you to feel as if you’re losing. This first step instantly creates a positive tone that tends to radically improve how you treat one another. As a matter of fact, if you did nothing more than this, you would see an enormous improvement in your relationships. The worry simply dissipates.
Step 2: LISTEN to each other.
Take time to understand how each other feels and why your spouse prefers a particular solution. Why does it seem like the right way to go? Why is it important? Try to understand the “big deal” for the other. You’re looking for the golden “nugget” of why their idea or solution is so important to them. Usually there are one or two reasons why their position is so critical—but you usually have to dig for it. The key is to keep asking questions and being curious, “Why is your solution so important? What will it help you to accomplish? What is it that you really want?” The bottom line is CURIOSITY! Work at it until both of you feel completely understood. You have a great likelihood that your conflict will melt away as you really go deeper and understand one another’s deeper feelings and concerns. Often, couples find out that they are really not as far apart as they thought.
Step 3: BRAINSTORM possible Win-Win Solutions.
Brainstorm solutions. Get creative. Now that you each understand where the other person is coming from, you can begin to generate ideas that have the potential of being win/win solutions. Don’t judge or criticize the ideas at this stage, the idea is to be creative and generate a list of options. Give each person an opportunity to express any suggestion he or she thinks might work. Make sure that this is a “green light” session, a time when both of you feel safe to share ideas. Then, revisit them all, highlighting the ones that might help you to solve your dilemma. If you feel you need more input, do some research at the library or on the Internet. You might consult with an expert. The goal is to explore lots of options.
Step 4: SELECT a Win-Win Solution.
Now it’s time to evaluate the options and pick a win-win solution—something that you both can feel good about. It doesn’t matter who suggests the proposed solution; the only important thing is that both of you feel it’s a win.
There will be plenty of times when you end up doing exactly what your spouse wanted to do from the beginning, but by the time you get there, you will feel great about it—win/win. At other times the opposite has happened; you will do exactly what you wanted to do in the first place, but by the time you get there, your spouse feels great about it—win/win. Sometimes you’ll come up with creative solutions that neither one of you thought about beforehand. At other times you’ll negotiate and piece-meal something together—a little of hers, a little of yours. But, the goal—both of you feeling good about your decision—remains the same, no matter how you get there.
Step 5: IMPLEMENT Your Solution.
Just do it! After you hammer out something that looks as if it might work for both of you, try it out. But go into it with the same spirit that helped you to identify this option—making sure that both of you still consider it a win-win.
Step 6: EVALUATE and Rework Your Solution If Necessary.
A real win-win has to stay a win-win. Many times we think we have dreamed up a really great idea, only to find out that it doesn’t work as well as we’d hoped. “I didn’t think about that,” we say, or, “That’s not nearly as good as I thought it would be.” If you make such a discovery, don’t sweat it. Just rework your solution. Remember, you want to start and end with a win-win. You want to make sure that your team stays on the successful side of things.
